According to research company YouGov, 43% of Americans say they identify as financially insecure. Based on this research, there’s nearly a 50% likelihood that either you or your significant other are just one negative life event away from experiencing financial hardship.
In fact, nearly 33% of Americans say they are just a $400 emergency away from being forced to sell something of value or borrow money to cover the unexpected expense.
When your girlfriend or boyfriend finds themselves in financial difficulty, you can’t help but feel like it’s your job to share the burden. After all, isn’t dating a “trial period” to provide a taste of what marriage with this person would look like?
Perhaps, your girlfriend lost her job or had an unexpected emergency expense. Even though she’s not your wife, as a man, you still feel a similar duty to care of her.
Similarly, the man of your dreams may be experiencing financial issues. If you really love him, how can you just let him suffer? After all, it’s so much easier to swoop in and alleviate the financial burdens he’s facing.
What should you do if your boyfriend or girlfriend finds themselves in need of financial help? Is it okay to give or maybe just loan them money?
Maybe, your significant other doesn’t necessarily need the money for an emergency. Instead, you are just wondering if it’s acceptable to give each other cash on a periodic basis. This presents its own unique set of challenges.
Let’s dive in and discuss some of the pros and potential drawbacks to consider before you decide to hit “confirm” on that transfer request.
Giving your boyfriend or girlfriend money in an emergency
It’s hard to watch people we care deeply about suffer.
While credit cards are touted as tools to earn points that can be redeemed for awesome perks such as travel and cash back, they’re often misused which can lead to financial stress. Unpaid balances can rack up thousands in interest!
Personally, I love credit cards. Especially, the Chase Sapphire Preferred for the sign-up bonus and travel benefits such as a 25% bonus when booking through the Chase Ultimate Rewards travel portal.
However, it’s vital to have discipline and pay off the balances in full EVERY SINGLE MONTH.
Otherwise, it’s best to avoid credit cards and use debit cards and cash instead.
Often, we just want to swoop in and cover the expense or give them money. With technology today, it’s so easy to Venmo or immediately transfer funds directly to another person. At the click of the button, we have the chance to fix the problem.
After all, isn’t sacrificing for your significant other simply the right thing to do?
Giving money to your boyfriend or girlfriend sometimes feels like it’s the right thing to do – especially, in an emergency situation. Even though most of us know combining our financial lives before marriage isn’t the best choice, we often feel compelled out of loyalty to ensure we take care of the man or woman we love when they need it most.
However, giving or loaning money poses certain relational issues even in emergency situations.
Giving or loaning significant amounts of money changes the relationship
However, giving or loaning money to someone that you are not yet married changes the relationship.
Why is that? According to best selling author and financial guru Dave Ramsey, debt introduces a “new dynamic” into the relationship. The borrower becomes enslaved to the lender.
See, money is a powerful tool. Most of us trade our time for money when we go to work each day. As Vicki Robin explains in her book Your Money or Your Life, our money represents our freedom.
When someone owes us money (even if that someone is a significant other), we can’t help but feel anxiety and pressure to be repaid – especially, since most of us have our own financial insecurities to worry about.
Relationships are already tough as it is. Introduce the drama of personal finance, and it could be a recipe for disaster.
Intertwining your financial lives before marriage could present boundary issues
No longer do you have the boundaries of separate financial lives. Instead, your boyfriend or girlfriend is now indebted to you. If you simply loaned them the money, you may feel they’ll eventually pay you back. Once they repay you there is no harm, no foul, right?
Well… not exactly… It’s a bit more complicated than that.
While this may be objectively true, relationships are generally not established on objective characteristics. Hopefully, we feel an emotional and spiritual connection to our significant other. Therefore, there will still be lingering consequences when you loan your boyfriend or girlfriend money because of the emotions that inherently come in relationships.
Not only will you monitor and probably resent every time they spend money (and wonder why they haven’t paid you back), you may feel like you have a vested interest and say in their personal choices. When you’re not legally married, this can inevitably cause conflict.
Finance Fights: 3 Ways to Solve Money Issues in Your Relationship
The tone and tenor of your relationship will also change from their perspective.
Can’t I just loan them money? Eventually, they’ll pay me back and our relationship will be restored to normal.
Sometimes, we feel like loaning money to our boyfriend or girlfriend provides the best of both worlds. We can help them out now in their time of need. Once they’re back on their feet, they can pay us back. Now that they’ve fulfilled their obligation, we’ll be back to normal. Right?
However, introducing debt into the relationship poses a unique set of behavioral and interrelationship issues.
Before loaning money to your significant other, your opinion was just that – an OPINION. They didn’t feel like they MUST follow it. Instead, they viewed your advice in the proper perspective. More than likely, they didn’t question your intentions in the back of their mind.
Now, when you offer advice (whether general life or financial) and they owe you money, it could be misconstrued as self-serving or judgmental. In fact, it very well could be self-serving until you’re repaid.
Even if you had the best of intentions, they may not necessarily trust that your counsel is 100% for their good. Perhaps, they never verbalize or even realize this is how they perceive your suggestions. However, they will more than likely have this question somewhere in their subconscious.
More than likely, you had good intentions. Your advice was probably sound.
However, your significant other may feel like they don’t really have a choice or say in the matter. Instead, their main goal will be appeasing you even if they don’t agree with your suggestion.
In a relationship, the borrower feels enslaved. You DO NOT want your significant other to feel this way about you. Plus, they don’t want to lose their sense of free will.
Debt has a way of already feeling like an anchor around our necks. Instead of loaning them money, encourage them to pay off any liabilities as fast as possible.
If you’re looking for a great way to learn how to pay down debt, consider following Dave Ramsey’s Proven Baby Steps as outlined in his best-selling book Total Money Makeover.
Ramsey has helped MILLIONS of people learn basic financial principles, get out of debt, and build incredible wealth.
What if I structure the money as a gift? I can solve my boyfriend or girlfriend’s need. Plus, there’s no strings attached.
Instead of loaning your boyfriend or girlfriend money, you could just give them a “gift.” Surely, giving money with “no strings attached” will solve the financial issue without any of the nasty side effects.
Not so fast…
Giving your boyfriend or girlfriend a large sum of money will still have repercussions. Even though gifting money probably won’t be as bad as loaning them money, many of the same issues persist.
Without a doubt, your girlfriend or boyfriend will be extremely grateful for the gift – especially, in the moment. Even if it took sacrifice on your end, you will probably feel equally as satisfied that you could “do a good thing” and provide for your potential lifelong mate.
However, when you give someone with whom you are in an intimate, emotional relationship a large sum of money, the dynamics STILL change. While your monetary gift is not a financial loan that must eventually be repaid, you will still have certain expectations or lingering resentment. Unfortunately, this is unavoidable.
Sometimes, this additional expectation could end up being worse for your relationship depending upon how it manifests itself.
Maybe, it’s as seemingly simple as interjecting yourself into your boyfriend or girlfriend’s financial decisions. After all, their decisions with money landed them into the predicament of needing your gift in the first place! Surely, they’ll appreciate your advice to help them straighten things out.
Perhaps, it’s as dark as upping your expectations sexually.
With your generous gift, how can they say no to your advice or advances? Obviously, none of these lingering side effects of large monetary gifts are healthy in a relationship outside of marriage.
The bottom line…
The emotional and relational ramifications speak for themselves. Obviously, it’s best to avoid loaning or gifting your significant other large sums of money.
In 100% of cases, let banks and other financial institutions be the source of originating loans (if that’s the route your boyfriend/girlfriend chooses). While avoiding consumer debt is the best route for long-term wealth, it’s better that your significant owe a bank than owe you.
Plus, try collecting the money you are owed from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. The chances of you being made whole are slim to none.
If and when you two get married, you can use what money you would have lent him/her to pay off the loan. Aside from the interest, this has the same effect. Further, you were protected just in case things went south. Maybe, not loaning them money ended up saving what would have otherwise been a doomed relationship!
Overall, large financial gifts and loans should be avoided in a non-marriage relationship. However, that’s not to say it’s never acceptable to give your boyfriend or girlfriend small quantities of money.
Instead, focus on understanding the root cause of what is causing their financial strain. Together, you can learn HOW to management money and prepare for your financial life together in marriage.
If you and your girlfriend or boyfriend are in need of a total money makeover, consider investing in a few books from Dave Ramsey who has a track record of getting people out of debt and teaching basic budgeting and investing concepts.
Giving monetary gifts to a boyfriend or girlfriend
In our society, it’s totally normal to give monetary gifts.
We give cash for holidays such as Christmas. More than likely, you’ve gotten money for your birthday. Perhaps, you’ve given or received a financial gift for a big life event such as a wedding or birth of a child.
Cash and cash equivalents (i.e. gift cards) are an easy, “no-brainer” gift that we all enjoy getting! For that reason, cash often makes the perfect gift to say, “I love you” to people we care about.
When does giving money cross the line?
While giving your boyfriend of girlfriend some money for specific occasions (i.e. birthdays, holidays, etc.) is totally acceptable, you don’t want your monetary contributions to be habitual in nature. If you find yourself continually showering them with hundreds of dollars every month, you’ve probably entered into dangerous territory.
Your significant other will begin EXPECTING a certain amount every month and adjusting their lifestyle on the presumption that they’ll be receiving money from you. If your periodic gift turns into a habitual expectation, then that’s clearly a negative sign – especially, if your boyfriend or girlfriend has come to rely on the money each month.
Further, even significant periodic financial gifts could shift the nature of your relationship.
For instance, if you’re wealthy enough to buy your boyfriend or girlfriend a big ticket item (such as a car or expensive jewelry), doing so will inevitably change the dynamic of your relationship. Even if they know you’re not “the one” deep down, why would they ever cut things off while you shower them with extravagant gifts? While giving extravagant gifts may put the power in your hands and prolong your relationship, the two of you wouldn’t be together for the right reasons.
Clearly, if you’re giving your boyfriend or girlfriend significant amounts of money on a frequent basis as if they’re on your payroll, you’ve probably crossed the line.
After all, do you know what the definition of paid companionship is called? Prostitution.
If you start feeling like the “gift” is slowly becoming an expectation, you should probably reevaluate. While generosity is (and should be) an attractive trait, it’s easy to go overboard when mixing money and relationships.
Where will you draw the line?
So, should you give money to your significant other? Yes, in small and/or moderate amounts for specific celebratory occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays). After all, who doesn’t love getting the occasional Amazon gift card on our special days?
However, putting your boyfriend or girlfriend “on the payroll” will inevitably spell disaster.
Further, avoid loaning your boyfriend or girlfriend money even for short periods of time.
Ways to relieve some their burdens without compromising the integrity of your relationship
Perhaps, your girlfriend’s car broke down, and they’re waiting until their next paycheck to have it repaired. Why not let them borrow your vehicle? Maybe, you can find an alternative mode of transportation for the next few days even if that’s inconvenient. Even if you must pay to Uber a few places during the meantime, at least you’re not directly transferring money into their account. This will preserve the integrity of your relationship.
If your boyfriend is running on hard times, there are ways you can indirectly relieve some of the burden. Ask around your friend group to see if anyone can find him temporary work until he lands on his feet. Offer to meal prep for the week by cooking from home.
Meal prepping can be good for both of your wallets and your waistlines!
While simply giving or loaning your boyfriend or girlfriend money often seems like the simple solution, intermingling your financial lives before marriage is not a wise choice. Loaning or even giving money to your significant other can cause resentment and animosity in the relationship.
In order to preserve boundaries for a healthy relationship, avoid giving significant amounts of money or loaning anything to your significant other before you are married.
If you shouldn’t mix finances, what can you do?
Instead of giving or loaning your significant other money, find other ways to relieve stress during their time of need. There are plenty of opportunities and ways to show your support without crossing any boundaries.
First, you must understand WHY they’re needing financial help. Have a frank discussion to understand the root cause of their financial stress.
Empower your significant other by providing sources of financial education
More than likely, a lack of knowledge is the underlying reason for your boyfriend or girlfriend’s financial troubles. In our society, talking about money is taboo. Our educational system is not geared to teach us the basics of personal finance. Therefore, most of us are forced to learn on our own (often through tough lessons) how to manage our money.
However, you can help your significant other gain control of their financial future by learning about personal finance together – without the financial mistakes that could set you both back decades.
These books provide some of the best financial advice you’ll ever receive!
Total Money Makeover
If your significant other is asking for money, chances are they need to revamp how they handle what money they do have.
One of the best starter books on personal finances is Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.
Dave’s proven plan outlines 7 Baby Steps that teaches readers how to save for emergencies, pay down debt fast, and secure your financial future.
Without a doubt, the Total Money Makeover will be a game-changer if you’re looking for a resource to gift your girlfriend or boyfriend.
Your Money or Your Life
Sometimes, the reason for our financial problems is because of our long-term financial goals.
Vicki Robin’s Your Money or Your Life explores just that topic.
Often, the underlying source of our financial woes is rooted in our lack of vision for the future. We “live for the weekend” and dread Monday mornings.
Robin’s book asks the questions: How much money are you willing to trade your life for? After all, whenever you are working, you trade your life and energy for money. How much do you really value your time?
Hopefully, asking these questions will provide motivation for your girlfriend or boyfriend to gain control of their financial future.
Set for Life
Who doesn’t want to have enough money to live the life they want while they’re young? Financial freedom does not have to be an allusion or only attainable when you’re eligible for Social Security benefits.
Set for Life by Scott Trench teaches readers how they can reach financial independence where working is only optional in a relatively short period of time.
By making disciplined financial choices, virtually anyone can achieve financial independence and retire early by avoiding debt, cutting lifestyle expenses, and investing.
Everyday Millionaire
Think millionaire status is unattainable? Think again.
In his book Everyday Millionaire: How Ordinary People Built Extraordinary Wealth – and How You Can Too, Chris Hogan outlines his findings in the largest study of millionaires every conducted.
Most millionaires aren’t born rich or inherit their fortunes. Instead, they make decades of wise financial decisions. They diligently save and invest in retirement accounts. Eventually, they eclipse a seven figure net worth – on average, at the age of 49.
They’re most likely to be teachers, accountants, and engineers who graduated from public colleges with average grades.
By hearing their stories, you and your boyfriend or girlfriend can gain the inspiration needed to become one of these “everyday millionaires.”
Conclusion: So should you give your girlfriend or boyfriend money?
There are very few instances where the benefits of giving or loaning your significant other money will outweigh the negatives.
Instead, you should look to support your boyfriend or girlfriend in other ways. Be an encourager of good financial behavior. While you shouldn’t insert yourself into their decision-making process, they may be open to listening to your advice. Consider LEARNING as much as you can about financial literacy and be willing to share if they ask for your opinion (in a loving / non-judgemental way).
Demonstrate how to behave properly with your own finances.
Giving or loaning them money will never solve the underlying behavioral issues they may be facing. Instead, giving them money will most likely encourage the behavior and continue the cycle. Giving or loaning your significant other can even lead to relational stress and change the dynamics of the relationship.
Sometimes, the best lessons are the hard lessons we must learn on our own.