So, you’re weighing the pros and cons of giving your girlfriend money.
On one hand, giving or loaning them money solves an immediate problem they face. Maybe, they’re needing to make rent or feel overwhelmed by their debt obligations.
Who doesn’t want to help out someone they love? As a man, you may have a sense of duty to take care of the person you’re committed to.
Obviously, your girlfriend would be extremely grateful for your financial assistance. Isn’t it an opportunity for you to show how much you care? Plus, they can always pay you back…
However, by the very fact you’re asking the question, you have identified that there could be some obvious downsides to loaning or giving your girlfriend money.
Why do you feel so torn?
Traditionally, men are viewed as the financial providers for the household in American society.
In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, over 70% of American adults say it is very important for men to provide financially for the household to be a good husband or partner.
Coupled with the fact that women only earn on average 80% of a man’s salary, you may feel an innate obligation to provide for your girlfriend.
In essence, the fact that you WANT to give your girlfriend money to cover their needs means that you care. Obviously, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, giving cash outright to someone (who isn’t your spouse) certainly complicates the dynamics of the relationship.
After all, our money represents more than green pieces of paper. We trade our time and freedom for dollars through our jobs. Therefore, our money is personal, and our financial habits impact the quality of life we enjoy.
There’s a saying, “money is power.”
Clearly, commingling your financial life with someone you’re not yet married has the potential to cause conflict in your relationship.
The 4 primary considerations before giving your girlfriend money
There are a 4 main considerations you need to work through when analyzing the “pros” of giving your girlfriend money.
- Why does your girlfriend need money?
- How much money are you planning and willing to give?
- What are your expectations?
- What is the expected frequency?
Question 1: Why does your girlfriend need money?
Before making a decision that could cause friction in your relationship, there are a few things to evaluate before you give your girlfriend any money.
First, you must understand the circumstances of WHY your girlfriend is struggling financially and if your gift will reinforce negative behaviors.
For instance, if your girlfriend has a large debt load and a lifestyle that is above her financial means, giving her money won’t solve the underlying problem. After all, being uncomfortable could be a driver for change and getting out of debt.
By giving her money, you could instead be funding her lifestyle and delay her desire to pay down her student debt, credit cards, or other consumer debt. Any bad habits will only be reinforced, and if you ever end up getting married, it will be hard to break old habits and expectations.
If you have serious intentions (for marriage), you’re better off saving separately. Once you’re married, you can pay off your WIFE’s debt and wipe the slate clean.
Together, you can begin developing a joint budget and agree on your spending and savings goals.
2. How much money are you planning to give?
If you’re only thinking about giving a small sum of money infrequently, it’s probably not a huge deal.
If you’re only giving a small amount of money every now to pay for specific gifts, there is less risk of things getting messy.
(Although, you’d probably still be better off not giving her cash directly. Instead, offer to pay for her meals or buy her things she NEEDS on special occasions (birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, etc.)
However, if you’re thinking of giving her a large sum of money, you need to think long and hard before giving her money. In fact, the more you plan to give, the more you should deliberate.
Large financial gifts have the potential to really muddy the waters in your relationship. Even if you meant the transfer as a gift, your girlfriend could still feel indebted to you. Alternatively, you could feel like you have a financial stake in their lives.
Clearly, large financial gifts should be avoided in most relationships outside of marriage.
3. What are your expectations?
Before giving your girlfriend money, invest time in self-reflection to understand how giving money to your girlfriend will impact your mutual expectations.
Do you have any underlying motives or desires?
Perhaps, you’re worried about losing her and feel like she can’t break-up with you if she accepts your financial assistance. In essence, if she relies on you for her lifestyle, you’ll have her “locked-in.”
Clearly, this is manipulative and extremely unhealthy.
Maybe, you’re just hoping giving her money will make her “love you more.” Providing for her financially shows that you can provide for her needs. Perhaps, giving her money just “strokes your ego” and makes you feel good about yourself.
Obviously, these are huge red flags and are signs that you shouldn’t give your girlfriend money.
Alternatively, you may have no ulterior motives. The amount of money you’re giving her could be so small that it doesn’t impact your own financial situation.
You’ll still need to carefully consider how giving your girlfriend money will impact your relationship going forward.
For instance, will you have a say-so in their personal finances? Do you expect your opinions on money to be taken? Obviously, this opens up the door for conflict and resentment if left unchecked.
4. How often will you be giving your girlfriend money?
Another key consideration is how often you plan to give your girlfriend money.
Will you be giving her recurring deposits or is this just a one-off transfer?
Setting up recurring payments could cause some pretty significant issues in the relationship. She may come to rely on this extra income for her lifestyle expenses. Each month, you may become more bitter and want to change your mind.
However, can you even stop once you’ve started? Especially, if she has grown to expect or rely on your financial assistance, this could leave the door open for conflict in your relationship. She could interpret your change of heart as doubt in the viability of the relationship in the long-term.
Plus, recurring monetary gifts has some other obvious downsides and negative connotations. After all, paid companionship is called prostitution.
All kidding aside, it’s probably best to avoid putting your girlfriend on the monthly payroll.
The cons of giving your girlfriend money
Mixing finances with someone you’re emotionally and sexually connected to has the potential to cause serious issues and conflict.
Relationships are hard enough without introducing the complexity of personal finances.
Your monetary gift could come from a self-serving place. The money may make you feel like you have control over your girlfriend’s finances and decisions.
Even with the best intentions, you may end up noticing and resenting certain behaviors after you’ve given her money. For instance, you may think you can now interject your opinions on certain financial matters. You may feel the urge to question her trips to the nail salon or shopping excursions.
Receiving money may also negatively impact your girlfriend’s perception of you. Instead of relying on you for unconditional love and affection, her view of you may shift. She now may see you (in part) as a financial provider.
Further, large financial gifts could make your girlfriend feel indebted to you.
Even if you have no expectations of being repaid, if your spouse feels like the “owe you,” this could cause serious issues in the relationship.
Because large financial gifts can complicate your relationship, it’s best to avoid giving your girlfriend cash until you’re married.
Alternatives to giving your girlfriend money
In order to avoid the issues with giving your girlfriend money, you should consider alternative ways to show your love or help out a struggling girlfriend.
Instead of giving her cash, look for other ways to help.
Perhaps, you can alleviate some of her costs by offering to cook her dinner each night or order enough take-out where there’s plenty of leftovers.
If she’s having car trouble and you’re a handy-man, see if you can fix the issue and help her avoid the cost of a mechanic.
If she’s struggling financially because of her job or career, offer to tap your network and see if you can find a better long-term opportunity that she can pursue.
On special holidays and birthdays, take the opportunity to “spoil her” with gifts that keep giving. You can buy her gift cards or prepaid cards to spend later in the year as she finds things she needs. You’ll have the cover of holiday traditions for gift exchange which can limit the expectations and guilt associated with asking/receiving financial assistance from your significant other.
Identifying other ways to help besides giving her money can help preserve the integrity of your relationship and mitigate any conflict from intertwining your financial lives before marriage.